lifehack: eat cheetos with chopsticks. eat everything with chopsticks. become the anime you’ve always wanted to be. unleash your inner middle school weaboo. don’t give a fuck about the weaklings who laugh at you as you attempt to hold the neon orange morsel of goodness between two sticks. you are the one without fucking cheese all over your fingers. you are superior. fucking bakas.
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.
you’ve got to be kidding me
I am in physical pain
A collection of euphoria.
I have seen hell.
i have stared into the abyss, and it stared back
"I Am A Athiest"
I want to punch that second guy in his stupid ugly-bearded throat
- boy: i'm so in love with you. it's like we're connected. we even finish each other's s-
- girl: -asuke
So I was watching one of those elephant documentaries and some guy walked over to the elephants and the elephants all crowded round to look at him and stroke him with their trunks.
And it reminded me how when there’s a cat in the garden my entire family will go out and cuddle it.
Elephants think humans are cute.
Even if you don’t think you’re cute, an elephant probably does
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
"A ‘martini,’ you mean?" asks the bartender.
Incredulously, the Roman says, “If I wanted two, I would’ve asked for it.”
and every major hollywood film starring Native American characters, played by non-native actors
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ’ Mission Impossible’ theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the Staff passed out.
OMFG I AM SCREAMING.
You are my hero.
this is the best post i have ever seen i fucking love this website.